How not to take the train...

For those of us with limited means, but an insatiable travel hunger, nothing is more effective than the quintessential European backpack tour. You buy a sturdy backpack, purchase an expensive plane ticket, scour the internet for the cheapest hostel that isn't bug-infested, stock up on memory cards, and hope for the best. The only missing element is how to get from city A to city B without blowing your budget or wasting your time abroad staring at wind-farm fields.

Although Europe has a plethora of cheap airfare options, as I discovered a couple of years ago this really only helps if you are going to and from somewhere these carriers fly. Since Ryan Air and the like missed the collapse of the Iron Curtain, anything east of Italy might as well be on Mars. (Interestingly enough, RailEurope suffers from a similar memory lapse.) Which means if you are, say, trying to get from Istanbul to Budapest, your options for cheap and practical travel are scant.

Enter the train. Everyone seems to have this glamorous impression of European train travel: delicious food, alcoholic beverages, convenience, and speed. While this is certainly the case along the popular, high-speed lines (especially when traveling in first class), just like everything else in the world, not all trains are created equally. I had traveled by rail in Western Europe before, and had already seen the disparity between various trains. While they might run on time in Italy, but they aren't plush. I realized that Eastern European trains were apt to be even more rustic, but I was still unprepared for the journey I had in store.

First off, even on the nicest train, the trek from Istanbul to Budapest is not ideal. It might have been wonderful in the days of the Orient Express, but the journey now is nothing like its 20th century counterpart. Potential passengers are required to either change trains in Sofia or Bucharest, and since the schedules from the various countries are not as well integrated as in the west, you need an advanced degree in patience and train-ology to figure out the timing. The most amazing resource I came across (and the only reason that this trip was even possible) was the website The Man in Seat 61. With his help, I had figured out that we would overnight from Istanbul to Sofia, spend the day in Sofia, and then overnight to Budapest. It would take a long time, but at least we would get to see some of Bulgaria on the way.

And then everything went wrong. Problem number one was that we were traveling across borders that are actually real (unlike within EU countries). This meant a nice wake-up call around 2am to get off the train at the edge of Turkey, get a stamp on our passports saying we were leaving, and then shuffle back to our compartment. Once we crossed over into Bulgaria, we were woken up again, questioned, and stamped by Bulgarian border police (but at least we didn't have to get out of bed). After that the haggard nature of the train became increasingly apparent as the wheels screeched against the rails every slight turn. As the morning arose, I was glad for leg one to be over, and to enjoy the day exploring a city so far into the former Eastern Bloc.

Now, since Eastern European trains have not caught up to the 21st century, you can't book tickets online, but only at the station you intend to travel from. This meant that while I had worked the schedules out in advance, we still needed to line-up to secure our couchette for the second leg. And here came unpleasant surprise number two: there is no overnight train to Budapest (I'm looking at you EuroRail schedule). We basically needed to get back on a train an hour after we had just gotten off, and were going to arrive in Budapest at the lovely hour of 3am. Having not had any breakfast yet, we scoured the station for food, but only managed to discover McDonald's muffins and cold hotdogs. But, since hungry beggars can't be choosers, we ate up, and bought extra supplies for lunch and dinner since our train to Budapest was sans a food compartment.

There is nothing like being stuck in a small train compartment after eating food that disagrees with your digestive system (I knew hotdogs were hot for a reason!), especially when the door is broken and can't be kept open. Not to mention the lack of toilet paper in the washroom (yes, they mean it when they tell you to bring your own). What else could go wrong you might ask? Running low on water, being surprised by certain unexpected womanly functions, and getting struck with an acute case of homesickness. The third was probably a result of all the previous hiccups, but that didn't make it less onerous.

Sadly, we were still not out of the rapids. Instead of getting us to Budapest at 3am, our train decide to stop in Belgrade for nine hours in the middle of the night. Not only did this delay our arrival, and consequent freedom, but it meant that we got to endure the thrill of being yelled at by sketchy Serbians wanting us to let them on the train, and experience first hand how to ration out scant food, water, and hygiene supplies. After traveling slower than a TTC streetcar in rush hour, we finally arrived in Budapest at 3pm. A mere 12 hours--stuck in a cramped, stinky compartment--later than anticipated.

The moral of the story: don't do it. Both Istanbul and Budapest are fabulous cities, and you should definitely visit them. But don't travel between them by rail. Don't take the train in Eastern Europe unless the trip is shorter than the time you normally spend between meals. Fly. If you can't fly, then drive. If you can't drive, then by all means, visit some other cities. Europe has lots of them. It might seem exciting while you're planning everything, and make for a good story after, but so does skinny dipping in the Amazon River. Sometimes, the means are so unpleasant that no end could justify them.